Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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