so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
