as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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