Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
