So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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