My sheets look like a crime scene.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
