Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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