Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
