He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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