I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
