i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
