Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
