textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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