sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You have to summon your inner elephant
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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