I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
