Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
