you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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