we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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