sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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