Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
