This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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