im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
