do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
