ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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