just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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