i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i already hear my dad disowning me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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