Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
