Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
