if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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