Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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