shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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