you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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