The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
