oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
