I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
