shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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