Your mouth is God's brothel.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I believe in your delicious
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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