My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
