The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
