I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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