you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
