you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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