OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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