Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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