I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
