If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
