im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
