Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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