I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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