It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize