i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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