he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
