there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
