Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
