just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
